A Post so Emo that "Fall Out Boy" Should Play the Soundtrack

"Life has become immeasurably better since I was forced to stop taking it seriously."

-Hunter S. Thompson

I haven't been able to focus on my reading at all lately.  I will re-read the same line for the 15th time, my mind will be all over the place, and I don't absorb anything.  I was staring at the page in my book tonight, frustrated, and I realized the problem.  I'm dealing with far too much input lately, and my brain is full.  Work is crazy, I have some personal stuff going on...there is just a lot of balls in the air right now.  

Most of the day I walk around frustrated, angry and depressed, irritated by every minor inconvenience and probably just a joy to be around.  There are so many negative phone calls and emails pouring in that I am constantly running them around in my head, analyzing and critiquing my responses, calling my Dad to both vent and ask for advice.  He's probably beyond sick of hearing about what happens at a textile factory thousands of miles away, but he always takes my calls.  Yesterday, I found three gray hairs at my temples, the first ones.  Today I decided it was time to buzz my head again.

For the first time in my life, I completely understand the temptation of people to get off work, drink a few beers, and then just zone out in front of the TV.  It is a break from thinking, and it is a break from the constant stream of news, information and data that I have been processing over the last 10-12 hours.  I have always been excellent at separating my LIFE from work, and stress never kept me from training, reading and doing the things that I care about.  These days, I am so wrapped up in it all that I can't let myself let go of it.  I've been exercising less, drinking more, and eating like shit.  My blog posts are all emo like this one.

Starting tomorrow, I am going to pull my shit together and get back to being me.

How do you get yourself out of a rut?  What do you do when work is becoming your everything?

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Affirmations and Morning Pages

He who hesitates is lost

Affirmations & Morning Pages

I have written about the Morning Pages and their importance to me when starting my day several times.  In short, these are 3 hand-written pages of stream of conscious thoughts, ideally written as soon as possible after waking.  There are days where the words won't come.  On days like that, I borrow an idea from my Mom, and write mental affirmations in the space remaining.

Positive affirmations are one of those hippy, feel-good ideas that came about with the onslaught of the self-help and positive thinking industries.  Despite that, I find them incredibly useful in reaffirming to myself what I am, who I want to be, and how I will get there.

Most of my affirmations are based on discipline, self-control and mental toughness.  The focus is here because I believe that if I am willing to do what is hard to do, go without, and sacrifice for the greater good, then any (most) individual situations will work themselves out.  The below are examples of what I repeat to myself mentally or on paper:

• "No matter how bad things go, my mind will carry my body when my limbs are too weak."
• "I do the thing that is hard to do, and the power will come."
• "I have trained my mind, and my body will follow."
• "Need nothing, enjoy everything."
• "Embrace the suck," borrowed from Gaijinass.
• "I will believe when others have doubted."
• "Weakness will not be in my heart."

Several of the above were borrowed from from this speech.

Again, most of these are general, and I feel like they fit like an umbrella over most situations that will come up.  Some cases that I want to focus on will merit their own statements.

For example, in my work, it is easy to receive a request from a customer that is ridiculous.  It may be very difficult to achieve, cause more problems than it will solve, and make my life (and theirs) harder.  The temptation to shoot off a hasty and dismissive response is a strong one.  Instead, I remind myself that maintaining the relationship is more important than the satisfaction that I would get from that type of response.  I do that with the following:

• "I pause between stimulus and reaction to proactively choose a response that is deeply integrated with my recognized principles and values."

Another example would be for boxing.  If I have a fight that I am preparing for, a favorite affirmation would be:

• "I work harder, train longer, and fight smarter than my opponent."

 In any case, I feel that this practice helps me become the type of person that I want to be.  It is far from infallible, otherwise "I [would] have done the thing that is hard to do," and went and talked to that girl at the coffee shop, but steadily, slowly, it molds me into a better, stronger version of me.

Sunday Night Motivation

"The world is not perishing for the want of clever or talented or well-meaning men.  It is perishing for the want of men of courage and determination."

- Robert J. McCracken

Learning to Take it Easy

I feel like I waste a lot of time.  Most of the time when I feel I am being unproductive, it is when I am playing around on-line.  While checking and playing around on facebook, proving people wrong on internet forums and keeping up to date on the most minor of details that happen in the sport of boxing would certainly qualify, by any definition, to be wasted time, I do not always have a productive alternative.  Sometimes, there really is nothing to rush for, and I don't know why I have such a hard time relaxing and taking things slower.  I mean, if I am going to play around on the web, I might as well just call that 20-30 minutes a wash and enjoy myself rather than feel guilty the whole time.

Another example was with my parents this last weekend.  Rather than deal with finding parking in Los Angeles, we just walked everywhere.  Both my Mom and my Dad noticed and checked out everything on every walk.  They noticed much more about my new neighborhood in 2 days than I have in almost a month.  They commented and examined every flower garden of every neighbor that we passed, they noticed a building that says "Martin," and they pointed out dozens of cool new restaurants that I should try.  After a while, it even started to irritate me, as if we were taking too long exploring cool stuff and talking to interesting people, when we should be charging it towards our destination.  I had to remind myself that we weren't on any schedule, had no reservations anywhere, and that talking to each other while walking was the same as talking anywhere else.  

I don't know what I am trying to get done, or where I am trying to go so quickly, but I need to chill out.  Doing something enjoyable is reason enough for doing it...providing of course, that said action is of the legal and ethical variety.  That's why it should be ok for me to lie on the sofa and read a novel for a few hours if that is what I feel like doing.  

Of course, some discipline is needed, but looking at things objectively, I have to admit that I am progressing in all areas that I care about progressing in.  Professionally, I am doing well enough.  I have more freedom than most, in a job that gives me satisfaction and a sense of pride for the work that I am doing, for a salary that works for my lifestyle.  Athletically, I am accomplishing my goals.  While I will still compete in amateur boxing, I am willing to let the sport be second (or 3rd or 4th) in my life.  I have been training consistently, sparring when it is available, and learning and growing.  As a brother, son, grandson, and friend, I would like to be better.  But I am there for people when they need me, and I feel like my relationship with my immediate family gets better all the time.  So...things are going well.  And while I hope to never be satisfied and complacent, I am going to try to enjoy myself and live more in the moment.  Maybe I'll even check out the neighbor's flower garden.

Today I want to do things to be doing them, not to be doing something else.
I do not want to do things to sell myself on myself. 
I don't want to do nice things for people so that I will be "nice."
I don't want to work for money, I want to work to work.
Today I don't want to live for,
I want to live.


- Hugh Prather, "Notes to Myself"

Pussification

You know what my problem is?  How much time you got, buddy?

First and foremost is a lack of consistency.  I throw myself into projects with full force and power to gain some degree of competency.  Once that is reached, I allow mold to grow under my boots as I half-ass it, take days off, or just suffer from a lack of focus.  That all comes down to discipline...or a lack thereof.  How sad.

 It has been said that it is far easier to win a title than to keep it.  That is because it is far easier to sweat and bleed and sacrifice when you have no where to go but up.  Things get harder with success.  For the first time in my life, something breaking or needing to be replaced does not result in a financial emergency.  While I do not slack at work, I do feel that my new-found comfort is leading me to some degree of complacency in other pursuits.  My focus isn't as strong as it should be.  Discipline is lacking.  I procrastinate more, and I am less flexible.  

An example would be in regards to physical conditioning.  If I have a plan to go to the boxing gym for sparring on Thursday, but I get off of work too late to go, I just give a mental "oh well," and go home.  But...it's never too late to go for a run, so what the fuck, right?  It's almost like I am looking for opportunities to get out of doing what I should be doing.  

It's when I start to feel accomplished that I slack.  I need to find a way to keep that whole hippie, zen-like, "beginner mind" thing going.  I have a few ideas to get the pieces turning again:

• Cancel TV - Actually, just don't get it turned back on when I move to LA
• Join new gym - This will happen by necessity, but I am seriously looking into changing things up a bit, and getting involved in some form of grappling.  That's a sport I know zero about, and will force me back to the bottom of the social totem pole.
• Get active in social groups and events - This will let me meet a bunch of new folks down in my new stomping grounds.  Running clubs, Whiskey clubs, and the like.  
• Get off the internet - Being able to work from home will allow me to use my time a lot better than being chained to a desk for 8 hours straight.  Slowly will wean myself away from facebook-induced ADD.